Losing Control, for good.

20140105-041326.jpg I was thinking the other day - I haven't talked much about the photo above. In fact, I've been on quite a hiatus from the blogging world.

I'll talk more about all the other things I've been doing with Alicia Sturdy, getting is ready for a new skin and the progress I've made this year. But in terms of 'non photo related blog breaks' - this one takes the cake.

The weekend before this photo I had just second shot a gorgeous wedding with the fab Justin & Mary, moved into our dream apartment, and was on my way to shoot another beautiful wedding in New Haven when it was almost like my brain stopped dead in it's tracks. You know how the story goes - a missed date on the calendar, excuses that it could be XY or Z - and that box collecting dust under your bathroom sink. All seems innocent enough until two little lines show up instead of one and it's like the sound of an atom bomb going off.

I immediately ran into the living room where Andrew was sitting in the one chair we had set up in front of the TV (and for subsequent weeks, due to morning sickness - our living room looked like we were living in a storage unit).

"Oh I'm sure it's a false positive" he reassured me, Mr. Half-Glass-Full. "Just take another one in the morning, I'm sure it'll be fine".

Ya. Right. I marched to the back of the house to seem like I was distracting myself 'unpacking' when really I was tearing open another one of those little sticks, sitting, and praying. 'God - whatever you have laid before me I'm ready to walk' - 'No seriously, God, this can't be right, right?' My little brain argued back and forth as it came out from it's daze.

20 minutes later I emerged from the bathroom in tears with the second test. Positive. Andrew hugged me and could have, I think, flown to the moon and back he was so happy. I'm pretty sure we have a photo of us somewhere - mascara dripped cheeks on me and the goofiest happiest smile on him.

Don't get me wrong. Please hear me. I feel like one of those yellow "ATTENTION" cones should be posted before you get all 'shame on you - a baby is a blessing' on me.

I was thrilled, somewhere inside. Elated. Wide eyed in anticipation, excitement, and butterflies from the first second.

But also truly terrified. And here is why.

My mind first went to my friends. For some reason, I have many friends walking the infertility path right now. I immediately imagined daggers beaming from each of their innocent subconscious. I was immediately grieving with them in advance of them ever knowing I was expecting.

Second, my mind went to my work. It was like I was screaming 'I don't want to quit my jobs!'. My business. I already had a little baby - kind of. I had just done my first Showit Live on 'starting a business', was picking up for wedding season, had just booked my first wedding on my own. My plan was to have a business at the 'right place' so when the flesh and blood Baby Sturdy came along I could be at a place where it would 'make sense'.

I had it all planned. I was in control. And with two little lines. I wasn't.

It's been 8 months of a diet of Popsicles, Italian food, nothing at all, and pizza non stop, getting sick from a couple sips of water, the smell of Degree deodorant making me want to hurl, chiropractor visits, rib pain, and a steadily built relationship with Buy Buy Baby. But that's just the small stuff. What these past 8 months have given me is not more of a reason to panic, or a 'get out of jail free card' to close my business before it even began. No.

It gave me the gift of slowing down.It gave me the gift of humility towards the capacity of my body, life and schedule. It gave me the gift of true anticipation.

I wish I could come out with pomp and circumstance in 2014. I wish I had confetti canons and a huge marketing plan, and 365 giveaways and surprises.

But I'm being led on a different path. A quieter one. And I invite you to shuffle along with me. Don't worry, I still make good time. But my walk, has slowed more to a stroll. Too fast and I'm in pain, too slow and I'm going backwards. But I'm telling you that 2014 will be a year of two births....one of my own flesh and blood...and one of my own sweat and tears. Stay with me on the journey.

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